


Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)

by fiveyaaas



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crack, Eventual Smut, F/M, GOD I HESITATE TO GIVE SERIOUS TAGS, I almost hesitate, I can’t believe, I really thought my Sparrow AU was gonna be serious smh, I seriously considered, If you’re wondering why this plot feels familiar, Kid Fic, RIP Old Man Five, Time travel fuckery, You Decide, am I going to explain, approximately once a week, be my guest, because no way in fuck, because this fic is undoubtedly, did Vanya have a Five orgy?, if you want to tell yourself, in canon, it is indeed the plot of mamma mia, like the Hargreeves try to do with Vanya, of how many times, or did she sleep with three Fives in one month?, or well a very twisted take on it, saying this was a sequel to “honeypot”, so technically, so y’all just had to read, that are not stupid, that’s a true statistic, the Hargs have tried to Old Yeller Vanya, the stupidest shit I will ever write, this fic might be more cursed than Folgerscest, this is a sequel to “honepot”, this is my one (1) true crack fic this week, to give tags, to whatever the fuck this fic is, whatsoever, with no context in the author’s note, you will be missed, y’all are still reading these tags?, y’all have to Old Yeller me, “honeypot” which is dark and smutty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:08:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27403294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: When Vanya’s daughter asks, point-blank, who her father is, Vanya is unable to answer. Technically, she knows who her father is, it’s just unclear which timeline he is from.[Written for Fiveya Week, Day 4: Sparrow AU]
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 13
Kudos: 63
Collections: fiveya week (round 2)





	1. Mamma Mia

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunchime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunchime/gifts).



> I started outlining for fiveya week with good intentions. I was going to write a serious Sparrow AU, I said. I was going to make an AU that explored the Sparrows like I did with Honeypot, possibly have some Sparrowya scenes, I said. I was going to write the horniness and angstiness of Honeypot again, I said.
> 
> Anyways, here’s my take on what Mamma Mia would look like if the mom had been a semi-alien lady impregnated by a semi-alien dude who traveled time and dimensions and boned her in three entirely seperate bodies and was also highkey the jealous type even towards his alternate selves. (And, yes, I will eventually have an actually serious AU for people who hate tomfoolery, silliness, and general merriment. It will have Sparrowya tho bc Mr. Sparrow Five had Honeypot.)
> 
> Dedicating this to Clover with the promise that I WILL have the nerdy enemies to lovers AU that I promised eventually, but I hope she likes whatever this is now. 😭

“I’m getting married.”

Vanya frowned, settling a finger into the book she was reading to mark her page, looking up at her daughter. When she looked expectant, almost flippant, like this, Vanya wanted to call the number she kept for emergencies to tell Five about her. 

She couldn’t; it was too dangerous. 

“You shouldn’t be getting married at this age,” Vanya commented. “You’re still only in your early twenties, Ariadne.”

Ariadne scowled, a dead ringer for her father in that instant. 

“You had me when you were thirty,” she argued. 

Vanya frowned again. “Shouldn’t that be a lesson to you?”

“What is  _ that  _ supposed to mean?”

“Childbirth hurts?”

Ariadne sprawled out on the couch beside her. “I think it means that you regret getting pregnant at my age.”

Vanya sighed. 

“It ought to be even  _ worse _ that you don’t know who the father is…” 

Oh.  _ That  _ is what this was about. Vanya had never told Ariadne who her father is. Mainly because she herself did not know. 

Well, okay, Vanya knew who Ariadne’s father was. She just didn’t know which  _ version  _ of him he was. There were three possibilities. 

The first… She hoped it was not the first. He had died a year ago, and she had attended the funeral, referring to herself as his wife. He had been 78 by then, so his death wasn’t necessarily untimely. In the years leading to his death, she visited him as often as she could without alerting the Commission to them. She never told him about Ariadne, didn’t think he would have stayed back if he had known his child was out there. Once Five took over the Commission, she would have had a chance to be with him, but that felt wrong when one version of Five was running the Commission until he found a way for them to be completely safe, both for reasons related to doomsday and otherwise.

The second possibility was hopefully not the case either, for an entirely different reason. The Sparrow Universe’s Five had calmed down after leaving the Sparrow Academy and settling down with Olena (it was still odd to Vanya to think of Olena, an alternate universe’s output of herself, but she was happy for them to be so happy when she couldn’t be with her own Five.) Still, she didn’t think Olena would take kindly to the knowledge that Vanya and he might have a child. She had never told him for that reason. 

The third possibility was who she hoped the Father would be. Any day now, he would be able to leave the Commission after running it for an indeterminate amount of time. He didn’t know about Ariadne because Vanya knew he would drop everything and leave the Commission if he did. It was too dangerous. She would not put Five or Ariadne in danger that way. 

Besides, she had Luther, Diego, Allison, Klaus, and Ben to help her. Ariadne did not  _ need  _ a father. Vanya was an entirely capable mother. 

Ariadne spoke then, like she was arguing with Vanya’s internal monologue, “I want my Father to walk me down the aisle and give me away.” 

Vanya sighed loudly, tugging at her hair. “That’s impossible, Ariadne. I could walk you down the aisle, though.” 

“If you don’t tell me, I’ll make one of my uncles or Aunt Allison do it,” Ariadne threatened. 

She was somehow more stubborn than her father. 

“I’ll try to get word out to him,” Vanya said vaguely. Not only was she being vague; she was outright lying. She had no intention of telling Ariadne who her father was. 

Ariadne’s bright green eyes measured Vanya for a few seconds before she shook her head, displacing her pigtail braids with the fervancy if the movement. She dialed a number, quickly, and Vanya panicked. 

“Who are you calling?” Vanya hissed, fixing her hair like someone might  _ see _ her through a phone call. 

Ariadne’s gaze was ominous, and she purred into the phone, “ _ Uncle Klaus.” _

Vanya yelped. Klaus would cave way quicker than his husbands. Diego and Ben were at least a  _ little _ subtle. The only way it could get worse would be if… 

“ _ Aunt Allison?”  _ Ariadne looked like Rosemary’s baby in that instant,  _ not _ Vanya’s. “I can’t believe Aunt Allison just happened to stop by, Uncle Klaus! Put her on speaker for me!”

Vanya tried to grab the phone from Ariadne’s grasp, but she was reaching out to thin air, the smell of oxygen filling the air where her daughter had been. There was a flash of blue, and then she could see her daughter hanging from a rafter on the ceiling, like a very petulant and asshole-ish bat. Vanya groaned. 

“So, I have some news,” her voice rang out, clear through Vanya’s home. 

“No, I’m not pregnant,” she laughed. “I’m too  _ responsible  _ for that one.”

Vanya had brought this child into the world, she was not above taking it out. She was about to yell at her to get down from the ceiling when Ariadne sing-songed, “I just gotta know… Who is my Father?”

Vanya couldn’t take her child out of this world, actually, she’d be too guilty. She sighed painfully, spreading out on the couch and lamenting her sad, cruel life until…

“Who the  _ fuck  _ names their child ‘Five’?”

Vanya snapped her gaze up, staring at her daughter in horror. 

“Let me guess, he’s some snooty rich boy, fifth of his name, which is something that  _ screams  _ ‘Old Money’ like Sir Cornelius Von PaysNoTaxes. They had a simply  _ torrid  _ affair of dryhumping, disappointing missionary sex, a complete lack of condoms because ‘ _ Vanya, I swear I’ll pull out.’” _

Ariadne’s eyes bugged out. Whatever she was hearing, Vanya was certain Klaus spared nary a detail. It was going to be a long night. 

When she hung up, for once in her life, Ariadne looked stunned. She blinked down from the rafter, falling on Vanya’s stomach and knocking the breath from her lungs. 

“Sir Cornelius Von PaysNoTaxes is your  _ brother _ ?” 

“We were raised in a  _ doomsday cult _ , forced to  _ call  _ each other sibl-,”

“What kind of Lannister, sweet home Alabama bullshit-“ Ariadne interrupted, but Vanya rushed to explain. 

“We’re not  _ really  _ siblings.”

Ariadne pouted. “Am I going to have hemophilia?”

Vanya scowled at her. “Of course not.”

“ _ Wait _ , do I have the ability to teleport because of my father?” 

“Uh.”

“Are you an alien?”

“That’s unclear.”

“Am I an alien?”

“Still unclear.”

“Is  _ he  _ an alien?”

“Again, unclear.”

“Can I meet my Father?”

That was the most unclear question of them all. 

“About that,” Vanya started.

* * *

Five had been an assassin intermittently for decades. The list of horrors he had fought against included the end of the world, Ben being spoiled about the last page of the  _ A Song of Ice and Fire  _ series by George R.R. Martin after Five had found out the ending on an assignment (spoilers: women should be given more recognition as writers in the fantasy genre), fighting off the leaders of a time-traveling assassination program, and the distinctive terror of two separate puberties. Needless to say, he had handled a  _ lot _ . 

Nothing compared to the deep-rooted anxiety he felt when he saw Vanya’s number flash against the screen of the phone he kept for emergencies only.

Without taking a breath, he grabbed the phone, accepting the phone call with a tap of his thumb. 

_ “Vanya?”  _

He heard breathing and then a struggle. In the background, he could hear Vanya yelling faintly,  _ “Don’t you fucking dare.” _

“Vanya?” He asked again, more urgent. He was already grabbing a briefcase. 

“Not Vanya,” a voice said, sounding eerily familiar, ominous, and flippant. “But don’t hang up yet!” 

“What did you do to her?” He snapped.

“Oh, calm down  _ Flowers in the Attic _ ,” the voice paused a second before snapping back presumably behind her. “Shut up, Mom, it was hilarious and you know it.”

Five blinked, not comprehending what was going on, but also feeling his anxiety grow as he tried. 

“You are, quite possibly, my father. Or not. Either way, haul ass over here because I need someone to walk me down the aisle.”

Five sank weakly onto his desk. “What now?”

“Have you ever heard of  _ Mamma Mia _ ?” 

“The movie about people jumping through a series of hoops to not take a paternity test?”

“Okay, the situation’s a little more nuanced than that,” the woman (because he refused to call somebody  _ his child,  _ he would know if he had  _ a child _ ) snapped. “First of all, the point of the movie is that biology means nothing, and that all of the men were her fathers because they wanted a child and  _ she  _ wanted a Dad. Second of all, everybody knows by the end of the movie once the cameras are off of them, the dads all get together into a nice, gay throuple.”

Five was still processing the last bomb that had been thrust upon him, so he had absolutely no time to disassemble the other, more minor ones this kid kept tossing at him.

“I’m a father?” His voice sounded weak to his own ears. 

“We’re still a little unclear, but, yes, you are possibly a father.” 


	2. Honey, Honey

Vanya stared morosely at her daughter, eating a peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich on the couch and claiming it was to connect to her father. As soon as she tried to drink her coffee black though, she teleported off to presumably spit it into the sink, coming back to say that maybe it was having horrible taste that led him to banging his sister, in three seperate bodies. 

“You realize that every single one of your uncles and your aunt is in the same boat as me?”

“Listen,  _ Cersei,  _ nobody here wants to hear about it.” 

“You’re the only other person in this house.” 

“Exactly.”

Vanya frowned at her, grabbing the abandoned peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich from her plate and sinking her teeth in.

It really was a disgusting sandwich, which prompted her to start sobbing and having the desire to count her gray hairs. 

“Oh, God, don’t do  _ that.” _

“I’m so old.”

“Not as old as that dude you bagged!”

“You’re killing me.”

Ariadne scowled, looking very much like her father, whoever that may be. “I called the bird guy too, by the way.”

Vanya sat up abruptly, fixing her hair. “You did what?”

“I’m a _Father?”_

As the Sparrow materialized behind her, Vanya yelped and Ariadne sighed. 

“I cannot believe I had to get the dramatic entrance gene and not the world-ending gene,” Ariadne said, sizing up the man that was quite possibly her father. “Are you the one who commits acts of incest or the one with daddy issues?”

_ “What?” _

“Ariadne,” Vanya started, but she ignored her, trying to see if he could roll his tongue ‘because, you know, biology.’ The Sparrow kept glancing at Vanya like,  _ ‘I’m pretty sure you actually just grabbed this child out of a trash can.’  _

“This would make a great episode of  _ Maury,”  _ Aridane said. “Why didn’t you audition for  _ Maury  _ when I was born? That would’ve been a great story to tell at parties.”

“Wait, is she mine or is she not?” The Sparrow gently pushed her away when she started trying to examine his ears, looking over to Vanya. 

“I don’t know,” Vanya mumbled. 

The Sparrow shrugged, “It happens. Where’s Five?” 

Vanya couldn’t answer, and he must’ve seen the pain in her eyes because he blinked over to her, hugging her tightly. “I’ll walk her down the aisle, just tell her to stop asking for blood samples,” he told her softly, making her laugh. “Olena started crocheting last year, and she’s made a distressing amount of baby clothes in the past three hours, despite me repeatedly explaining that the child is indeed in her twenties.”

“You told her?”

His brows shot up, “I mean, yeah. She’s my wife.” 

“And she’s not upset?”

“I mean, she’s definitely going to be upset when it sinks in that she’s used up all her yarn in a couple hours, but she’s not upset about me possibly having a child, no. I mean, would you have been?”

Vanya wasn’t sure, honestly, how she’d have reacted if Five had just randomly showed up in her life, saying that he was a Father. 

“You mean to tell me that I’m a Father?” a voice called out.

Vanya yelped, Ariadne sighed, the Sparrow yawned.

“I just realized something,” Ariadne announced, which greatly distressed Vanya. “I can time travel, right?”

Three separate voices yelled out, “No!”

At least there was some consensus among all of them, but she could already sense Five glaring at the Sparrow, who still looked entirely bored. It was feigned, she realized, when she realized he was eyeing Ariadne through his peripheral. He wouldn’t have come if he hadn’t wanted to meet her, but she hadn’t ever wondered if he even  _ wanted  _ a child. When they’d been together, it had never even crossed her mind. 

Five’s glare at his counterpart seemed to only worsen when he realized that Vanya was watching him. She sighed loudly, glancing away, seeing the way a smile was starting to tug at the corner of the Sparrow’s mouth as she did. The very little they’d said to one another over the years had been his disbelief that she had spent very little time with Five, him regularly threatening to beat some sense into his ass. 

She’d grown to think of him as a friend, more than anything. Knowing that he was happily married to someone else, her from an alternate dimension (or, really, they all lived in the Sparrow Dimension these days, and technically Vanya was the outsider to it), and that she was unable to be with her Five… It upset her, and she felt guilty for it. The other version of herself likely would have been happy for her, considering the woman was basically sunshine personified, energetic and bright and outgoing. 

Vanya’s thoughts went out the window roughly when Ariadne started rambling to them about the specifics of  _ why  _ they were bad at time travel, citing Five’s failed attempts from asking Diego, likely. (The Sparrow raised his brows in confusion, having never been fascinated with time the way her Five had. He actually did know a little more about dimensional travel, and, when he offered commentary on that, Ariadne made a startled noise, like she was unused to anyone ever having an intelligent remark around her.) 

“Could I talk to you in private?” Vanya muttered to Five when Ariadne started discussing the intricacies of some theory that Vanya would likely never understand. His brows knit together, jaw clenching as he glanced back at Ariadne, talking excitedly to the Sparrow. “He’s not going to do anything besides listen to her rant if we leave. It’s fine. I actually think he’s kind of fond of her, so the chances of him killing her are  _ much  _ less likely.”

“Is he her father?” Five asked point blank, walking with her to the kitchen. They kept inching closer, nearly touching but not quite reaching one another. 

“I don’t know,” Vanya said, shrugging as she reached for the pot of coffee Ariadne had made, grabbing a mug and pouring a cup for him. “But would that even matter? It wouldn’t change, genetically speaking.”

“Vanya, why wouldn’t you tell me something like this?”

She listened into the Sparrow and her daughter chattering away like old friends for a beat, deciding that her daughter wasn’t listening in before explaining, “You were in the Commission, Five. Trying to keep the world and our family safe.”

_ “You’re  _ my family, and that child in there is my family too, Vanya. I had a right to know.” 

“You were long gone before I knew, Five. How was I supposed to tell you?”

“You could have reached out  _ long  _ before that, but you didn’t.” Five inhaled sharply, shutting his eyes, “So, why didn’t you?”

Vanya knew he was likely seething, but he was hiding it much better than she’d usually expect from him. Then again, she didn’t really know what he was like these days. “You left me pretty easily,” Vanya breathed, crossing her arms over her stomach protectively. “I didn’t want that to happen to her, so I didn’t tell you.”

“I left to  _ save the world.” _

“That’s not the time I’m talking about,” she blurted before squeezing her eyes shut. “Listen, Ariadne shouldn’t have bothered you. The other Five can walk her down the aisle, and it will be fine. It’s really important to her. Otherwise, I’d have asked you to leave already.” That wasn’t necessarily true at all. She wanted nothing more than to ask him to stay there, but she also didn’t think she could handle being around him. Not when it was like this between them. If they were going to spend the entire time fighting, she’d rather he just go. Her daughter was in the equation now, and, even if she wanted to be with Five, she wanted her daughter to be happy more. “You don’t have to go, but I don’t want to spend any time at all fighting. I'm her mother, and I don’t want this to be any worse for her than it already likely is.” 

Five pursed his lips, and she knew he wanted to argue. If he did, she’d ask him to leave. The one thing she’d promised herself when she’d become a mother was that her child would have a much better life than the one she lived before. Parents arguing was a much more  _ mundane _ thing for a child in their twenties to be worried about, but she didn’t care. Her childhood had scared her from children for many years. When she’d gotten pregnant in the first place, she'd contemplated over and over whether or not she could even have her, knowing that she’d had such an awful life and not wanting that for any child of hers. 

Finally, he spoke, “Alright.”

“Alright?”

“I’m not going to argue with you, but we do at least need to  _ talk _ about this.”

* * *

“So, you’re married?”

When the Sparrow had offered to go somewhere with Ariadne, popping his head in before the other Five and Vanya were clearly about to argue to tell them that he and Ariadne would be gone for a little bit. The other Five had gone red in the face, and the Sparrow had resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He and Olena hadn’t ever had kids, choosing to have a bunch of dogs instead. 

He didn’t think that his (possible) daughter would appreciate hearing that, though. “Yes, I’m married.”

“To my mom?”

“No, she’s not your mom.”

“But she looks exactly like her?”

“Yes.”

“Does she act like her?”

“Not really, no. They had a completely different life. Plus, they’re from alternate universes, so they have no effect on one another whatsoever.”

“So, she wouldn’t get paradox psychosis if she came to my wedding?”

“No, she wouldn’t. I have never experienced it before with the other Five because of that. We’ve never been the same person, you’ve gotta understand. Paradox psychosis happens when people time travel and interact with themselves.”

She nodded, tucking her hands into her pockets. “Why was he acting so moody then?”

Five snorted, “I think that’s just his personality.”

“Every story I heard made it seem like  _ you’re  _ the moody one.” 

He shrugged, “I was an ass when I was younger.”

“He seemed like he was a few years older than you, how did that work out?”

“Time travel. Technically, he’s  _ much _ older than me. Almost twenty years. When he’d messed up some equations, he landed in a much younger body, one reason  _ you  _ shouldn’t time travel, and then had to jump through a lot of hoops before he got to a body that he deemed acceptable.”

“Did he do it for Mom?”

He pursed his lips, not sure what all he should say here. “Likely, yes,” he said, deciding honesty was probably going to be his best bet. 

“Sir?”

“Please don’t call me that,” Five said, nearly cringing, remembering his days in the Sparrow Academy.

“What do you want me to call you?”

“Uh,” he thought about it. “Five?” 

“Won’t that get confusing? With the other one?”

“He usually does make things confusing,” he muttered. More loudly, he told her, “Just call me whatever, but don’t be formal about it. I’m not a cult leader.”

“So, that’s true then? That you all grew up in a cult?”

“I have people that I called my siblings, yes,” he explained, actually willing to explain this because it clearly unsettled her despite her feigned nonchalance. “But I wouldn’t precisely call them family. In fact, you’ve met one of them, but you’d know him as Uncle Ben, likely.”

“He was in the Sparrow Academy?”

“Yeah, the Umbrellas had another Ben, but he died when he was young.”

“Oh.”

“Reginald  _ wasn’t  _ our father, Ariadne. He was at best the director of a boarding school. We were trafficked as children, not adopted. Do not worry at all that Vanya and Five consider themselves siblings because, even if they did, you wouldn’t understand what that word meant to them.”

She nodded, “Thank you, Five.” 

He smiled exhaustedly. Olena would want an update from him soon; he’d need to call her. “You wanted to ask me something before?” Five prompted, remembering how she’d called him ‘sir’ questioningly. 

“Would Olena come to the wedding? If you asked?” Five’s eyebrows knit together, and she hastily added, “It’s not a huge deal if she can’t-“

“She’ll come,” he interrupted. “If you want her to. Would your mother be uncomfortable by it, though?”

“Does she not like her?”

“They have no ill thoughts towards one another, to my knowledge, but I don’t want to burden your mother, either.” 

“Do you still love my mom?”

He needed a drink; this was all a  _ lot.  _ “I think your mother and I will always love one another, but we are, quite literally, from different worlds. She’s more of a really good friend to me now.”

“Why didn’t you ever visit, then?”

Truly, he had no idea. It was possible he’d missed out on the opportunity to raise his child. Olena would have lived in a house nearby, and he imagined she and Vanya wouldn’t have even minded all of them raising that child together.

Well, actually he knew why, and the reason why was talking to Vanya right now. 

If that idiot didn’t marry her and let her be happy with _someone_ , he would have to say something. Or convince Olena that they needed to take her under their wing.

“I want to be better now,” Five said, knowing he would have to admit he’d done wrong because it was what Reginald would have never done. Pretty much all he knew about parenting was to just do the  _ opposite _ of Reginald. “But I’m truly sorry I wasn’t a good father before, and I hope I can make it up to you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking a little bit to update!!! Thank you to everyone who has stayed thus far hahahaha!!!

**Author's Note:**

> If you have gotten here, it means you have somehow willingly read 1.5k words of this shit. I will not judge you if you don’t read more, but here’s the requisite gold star I give out ⭐️ for when somebody voluntarily reads the cursed ass fics I write after my brain gets possessed by the crack demon. (Also, if any of y’all dip out at any point during this fic, please tell me in the comments what tipped you over the edge... I wanna know what made y’all quit me.) 
> 
> #RIPOldManFive, gone AND forgotten until I was editing and realized, “oh, fuck, I killed the old man off-screen. That’s dark. Yikes.”


End file.
